Disgorged

"'The time has come,' the Walrus said,

'To talk of many things:
Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax—
Of cabbages—and kings—
And why the sea is boiling hot—
And whether pigs have wings.'"

The Great Owl cleared his throat.

"'Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail,
'There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle - will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?'"

And that was that.

And somewhere, not so far away, planets moved.

Toad's Hour

   "The Badger strode heavily into the room, and stood looking at the two animals with an expression full of seriousness. The Rat let his egg-spoon fall on the table-cloth, and sat open-mouthed.
   `The hour has come!' said the Badger at last with great solemnity.
   `What hour?' asked the Rat uneasily, glancing at the clock on the mantelpiece.
   `Whose hour, you should rather say,' replied the Badger. `Why, Toad's hour! The hour of Toad! I said I would take him in hand as soon as the winter was well over, and I'm going to take him in hand to-day!'
   `Toad's hour, of course!' cried the Mole delightedly. `Hooray! I remember now! We'll teach him to be a sensible Toad!'"

Toad Breathes Again

Toad sensed that something had changed and excused himself. The jabberwocky had taken to cocking its head to one side as if listening to someone and had seemed since to be rather more polite about sharing their cramped quarters and Toad had come to have a certain sense of camaraderie with the fearsome beast.

Things went out of focus and all hazy for a bit and finally the hospital room swam into view. Toad suddenly remembered how uncomfortable this place was. Why had he come back here?

One usually doesn't think about breathing; it is one of those things that we take for granted, like the sun coming up in the morning, the rains coming in the Spring, butter and jam with scones. But when one hasn't been able to breath on one's own, one develops a new found respect for that enterprise. Toad realized what had changed and it struck a chord deep inside him. He was responsible for himself; he was breathing on his own. And then his head exploded

And just as suddenly he realized that his head was still intact but he had the worst headache he had ever known. Then another wave of pain. He closed his eyes and in the swirling mists he could see the beast in the little parlor. The poor creature was coughing, and with every spasm its head would hit the low ceiling. Toad felt a tear in the corner of his eye.

Edgicashun Blues

"It's a sign o how ignint they is", said the barge woman. Otter had gone back out to scout the countryside and had come across the old barge woman tied up on the river. Toad's problem is he gets overly edgicated, but he means no harm. Thi was news gto Otter, who they he had know Toad all his life would never consider him remotely subject to over-education. "Dearie", said the Otter you must be mistaken" the Otter suggested, "as I do believe the Toad could do with as much education as his great head could sustain."

"No, no, no!", said the barge woman. "Are you daft? I said over edgicated!. You know like fidgety, wound up!"

"Ohhhhh" chuckled Otter. "Yes, he often gets agitated and then does something terribly impulsive."

"Just as I say. I heard from the engineer on the evening train that they be taking the tubes out o' Toad o'er at hospital and cuttin' back on the drugs they be giving him, and that he'd suddenly go all edgicated and try an' jump out the bed!"

When Otter heard this he knew he must get this intelligence to HQ immediately. The time for Toad's rescue was upon them.

Otter Shows His Teeth

"The Otter showed a gleaming set of strong white teeth as he laughed. `I'd give 'em nerves if any of them tried anything on with me.'"

Otter had just reported in. He had been sent by Rat to gather intelligence and Mole had asked if the assignment had frightened Otter (it certainly frightened Mole.)

Otter explained that he had a cousin, a weasel who by reason of his being raised by otters, was welcome in Mrs. Otter's home for the occasional family dinner which this time around just happened to include the cousin's favorite dishes. The rest was too simple.

"Tell us everything!" gushed Moled.

Otter took a moment (for dramatic effect) and then told his fellow conspirators that Toad was doing very well.  He would likely be off the ventilator (here Otter had to stop and explain what the ventilator did)  within a day or two,  which meant he could be free from the damned tubes by the weekend. And at this both Rat and Mole simultaneously cheered,  "Hooray for Yoad!"

They would move to free Toad as soon as he was free of the tubes.  The time for actin was approaching!

Badger Comes to Visit

Toad, being somewhat impulsive himself, was most easily appreciated by others of similar passion.  At times he made the slow and steady crowd feel uncomfortable while the head master types were always displeased (but then, some say 'those people" are born with frowns on their faces.)  Many just felt on edge around Toad,  for you never knew when he was suddenly off on some scheme or other. Unfortunately,  while many thought of Toad fondly (even those nervous about him), Toad often thought himself as unwelcome and unwanted.

Badger had a bit of the impulsive to him (Mrs. HedgeHog was rather cross with Badger for his sharing stories of his youthful indiscretions with the young HedgeHogs), and the impulse to go to hospital having come upon Badger,  off he went,  don't you. Badger had been asked to school Toad up about life in and about the Wood and River, as the Old Toad felt noblesse oblige and wanted his son to understand the responsibilities that the young Toad would someday be assuming.  Young Toad would often have Badger shaking is head, and that was what Badger was doing when he glimpsed Toad on the hospital gurney.

Dr. Williams, immediately hearing word that no one less than Badger was in hospital rushed to greet him.  "Badger! Welcome good sir. Here to surveil our good Toad?"

"Indeed" Badger said.  "Is there any good news?"

"Oh my, yes " and the Doctor was off, rambling on and on with technical this and Latin that. The long and short of it, as Badger would later say to Mrs. HedgeHog (who swallowed her irritation with Badger in order to get news of Toad) was that there had been a machine that was helping Toad to breath and Toad was successfully being weaned from these machines,  which was good news indeed!

But while the Doctor made sure that there was no detail so small as not requiring Badger's consideration, Badger had a good look a Toad,  who perhaps sensing a kindred soul, opened his eyes, nodded at Badger, and made a rather twisted face which was the best one could do for a smile with tubes in one's mouth.

"Aye" said Badger, "I suppose this could slow you down a bit." Toad shook his head and Badger chuckled. "No, I guess not." Toad nodded.  "Well, give it a little rest and then come see me in the Wood and tell me all about it." And Badger thanked Dr. Williams turned and left (which slowed Dr. Williams down not a bit.)

Who ARE you?

"The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.
'Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, ' I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'
'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'
'I can't explain MYSELF, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'
'I don't see', said the Caterpillar."

Alice was indeed not herself. She had been having just an horrific day.  Her sense of who she was adrift on those Autumn winds. One moment she had been having tea, and the next she was trying to figure out just why this Toad seemed so familiar.  Of course, she felt sympathy for the poor creature, shut up in that tiny parlour with the jabberwocky,  but there was something more. She felt like she had just fallen down a rabbit hole; and the world was somehow familiar but upside down and inside out.

Of course she had immediately spoken to Old Father William, as he seemed to be the resident expert on the jabberwocky (his grandson is in medicine,  don't you know) though she had no recollection of how she had come to meet him. "Pleased to meet you sir" she began. "Pardon my asking, but why are you standing on your head?" she inquired politely.

"'In my youth,' Father William" had slowly begun,
"'I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.'"

Not certain what to make of this response, she pressed on; "Sir, Can you tell me how Toad came to be menaced by that dreadful beast?"

"'In the days of my youth,' father William replied,
'I rememberd that youth could not last;
I thought of the future, whatever I did,
That I never might grieve for the past.'"

"But sir", said Alice, "Please tell me what might be done for the poor creature? He looks so pitiful!"

"'In my youth,' said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
'I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment—one shilling the box—
Allow me to sell you a couple?'"
That didn't appear to be very helpful! "Why do you all speak in such riddles?" she demanded (a bit petulantly.)  She had had just about enough.

"'I have answered three questions, and that is enough,'"
Said said Old Williams; "'don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!'"

And that was that. "Dumb", chirped Dee; "Dee!", scolded Dum, and Alice was suddenly  very alone. "Who AM I?" she though to herself, suddenly realizing she may have missed Caterpillar's question totally....  and not being a selfish person at all, she immediately thought of poor Toad and whispered Caterpillar's question to Toad as if he were present, "Who are you?"

And Toad hardly knew.....

Toad Confined

One can only imagine what it was like for Toad to suddenly find that fearsome jabberwocky resident within the confines of his own dome.  Think of it, a fantastic (and rather dreadful) creature from his childhood stories, having moved in without even a by-your-leave, now being rather inconsiderate about even sharing the space that seemed to grow more crowded by the moment  (where did the monster expect to put all that tail,  and those wings were wreaking havoc?!)  Toad tried to engage the beast in a civilized discussion of their predicament, but he could get out nary a word what with all the paraphernalia shove down his poor throat. He could barely manage a croak,  and with every croak the jabberwocky grew increasingly menacing.

His current confines were no Toad Hall,  but were not so mean that he had reason to complain beyond the fact of his captivity (and the sudden appearance of the beast.)  He was comfortable enough, though he wondered when he last had tea and when tea would be served again (assuming, as he did, that there was someone to take care of such matters.)  He had ample opportunity to ponder upon his current predicament, but had resisted jumping to any conclusions that might implicate himself.

From time to time his friends would swim into view, though the whole idea of "time" was now transformed in the most unusual ways. Time seemed to swirl about like Autumn gusts carrying yellowed leaves. The Toad would see the girl looking at him and feel her hand in his and he would desperately try to convey to her how very important it was that he be able to convince the jabberwocky that it was time for the beast to vacate his premises, but to no avail.  Toad grew worried that no one cared.

But when the beast started drooling on his settee that settle it for Toad.  He made his mind up that if no one else would help him,  it was high time he helped himself. He took a deep gulp of air (goodness, the monster needed some dental hygiene) and gave a ferocious yank on the tubes; and he was free! He gulped the air, took a moment to compose himself and turned to address with beast with as stern a look as he cold muster and just as he was about to let the beast have it, there they were!  The stoats were all over him! They sent his head swimming and, no, they were pushing the tubes back down his throat!  The jabberwocky loomed over their white coated shoulders, grinning his toothy grin, drooling his beastly spittle, and exhaling his noxious breath. And the wind blew and time swirled.

Toad Forgotten

I'd thought, initially, that this was really Toad's story; a Tale of Toad's Fall and Redemption. And so, having spent so much time on others, I began feeling remiss in failing to relate some of that story from Toad's perspective (encumbered as he was and therefore suffering not only from frustration but from the pure indignity of it all.) I meant to here to redeem myself by relaying to you what was passing through Toad's giant head as the hours slowly dragged by, but alas events dictate otherwise.

Dr. Williams had been arguing with his gran and during the course of the elder Williams berating the younger for failing to have him his tea served. No sooner had Father Williams licked the last crumb from his fingers that he remarked (taking tea, as he was, in  Toad's room) that Toad was looking markedly peeked and that a couple of more hours and he'd be ready for the table.

"Whoosh!", the stoats descended with more tubes.   

Toad immediately brightened considerably (on account of the fact that he could breath again) while Dr. Williams sheepishly explained to the girl that he had (much, I suppose as had I) neglected to consider Toad's situation, and therefore had not removed a little tiny tube that had a purpose some days ago, but whose purpose that day, was to become clogged and cause Toad some temporary grief.  The girl cried, "Oh my!", the younger Williams smiled wanly,  his gran let out a tremendous belch, Toad rolled his eyes, and Rat and Mole (accompanied by Otter and Badger),  peeking in at the window, whispered conspiratorially  among themselves.

Tomorrow would be another day.

The Toad Online, or Pardon my intubation

   Now the proprietor of this hospital had one, almost grown, child.  She was "a pleasant wench and good-hearted, who assisted her father in the lighter duties of his post. She was particularly fond of animals, and, besides her canary, whose cage hung on a nail in the massive wall of the keep by day, to the great annoyance of prisoners who relished an after dinner nap, and was shrouded in an antimacassar on the parlour table at night, she kept several piebald mice and a restless revolving squirrel. This kind-hearted girl, pitying the misery of Toad, said to her father one day, `Father! I can't bear to see that poor beast so unhappy, and getting so thin! You let me have the managing of him. You know how fond of animals I am. I'll make him eat from my hand, and sit up, and do all sorts of things.'
   Her father replied that she could do what she liked with him. He was tired of Toad, and his sulks and his airs and his meanness. So that day she went on her errand of mercy, and knocked at the door of Toad's cell.
   `Now, cheer up, Toad,' she said, coaxingly, on entering, `and sit up and dry your eyes and be a sensible animal. "

Toad turned to the the girl but could say nary a word,  what with the miles and miles of paraphernalia going in, out and through him (Dr. William himself, on retiring of a night to his grandfather's den would remark to Old Father William,   "Thank goodness that Toad had such a wide, wide mouth or we should never have been able to get all those tubes past his lips!") He groaned and turned his sad miserable eyes to the girl.

Having spent not a few minutes finding out what she could about Toad's condition (speaking with  those of the stoats that viewed the arrogant behavior of some of their brethren with distaste) the girl was able to keep those concerned about the Toad apprised of his condition.

Rat and Mole had been coming to the hospital to check on their friend. Toad would look at them with his sad bleary eyes as if to say "I am so, so sorry I can't entertain you with some tale of foolish folly,  but I have this tube, don't you know."  But the girl did her best to speak for the Toad.  She told Rat, who was the brighter of the two, all about blood chemistry and the like,  while Mole got hugs and reassurances.

"He is getting better daily, "she beamed. "They already removed the nasty chest tube they had to stick in when Dr. Williams' minions pushed one of their tubes through his lung", she told Rat (quietly adding for Mole that the lung was the part of the Toad that allowed him to breathe.) "and I think they may well get all those horrid things out of his mouth in just a few more days!" Rat looked pensive while Mole,  buoyed by the girl's smile, seemed reassured. "He will be free soon" said Mole (perhaps asking as much as averring.) And Rat mumbled back, "Most likely if we take things into our own hands.  This calls for a plan."

And with that (and a nod to the girl) Rat grabbed Mole and left.  Until they should return, with a plan.......

The Toad Arrested

" Toad found himself flying through the air with the strong upward rush and delicate curve of a swallow. He liked the motion, and was just beginning to wonder whether it would go on until he developed wings and turned into a Toad-bird, when he landed on his back with a thump, in the soft rich grass of a meadow."

Unfortunately,  that was only the Toad's wishful thinking, and those thoughts came to a sudden end as Toad landed on his giant toad head with a great WHUMP! And all went black.

His friends had him hauled to hospital. The mischievous Toad was tied to his bed while white coated stoats probed, plumbed, and pickled the Toad's pate. Why was he such a naughty Toad, and what could be done to keep him from doing such things anymore?

Then, suddenly, the leader of the stoats, a weasel by the name of Dr. William (pictured here in Aspen), was heard to say, "Whoops!" and the bustling room,  filled with stoats and friends and all kinds of doodads and whatamacallits went silent, broken only by a little "Pop!" "Whoops!" said Dr. William again,  this time a little quieter.  

Well now the Toad was in real trouble. His eyes rolled about in his giant head and he coughed and sputtered with his one good lung. In came another crew of stoats,  like clowns in a circus car. Scurrying here, dashing there, all in a bustle and full of hustle and soon Toad loked like a porcupine,  bristling with all manner of tubes, probes, and lines.

"Oh my!", opined his friends.  "What next?"

What next indeed?